Nice teeth, deep eyes, and some curls to play with.  Raw, total honesty, even if it hurts, because I like hearing his every thought and I hate not knowing.  When he calls me baby, and his occasional nicknames for me (ahem).  The good type of silence.  That he makes me think harder and second-guess myself because he’s the only person I cannot read like a book.  His uneven eyebrows, his bone structure.  Warm sweaters, torn shoes.  What he reads, what he listens to, how he walks (yes, even that).  How we are around each other, what we talk about.. some things you just know.

Every single memory I have of him has run through my mind a hundred times, at least.

Probably the most cheesiest post I’ve ever written (and I’m sure there’s quite a steep competition for that), but I’ve had a lot on my mind that I needed to release somewhere.

I think I loved a boy this summer, but sometimes I wonder if it’s all deception.  The reason I am not sure of it is because if love were genuine, I feel like I would be so sure instead of having so many “maybe’s.”  I think about it so much more now that we’re in a different zip code, cus soon I’ll be moving even further.  Who knows, maybe we will come back next summer and be grown enough to let how we feel out in the open.  All I know is when you’re not around, I’m missing you, and your semi-permanent absence has already made my heart hurt a bit.  My life would be a lot less heavy if you could just admit that you feel the same.

Crazy dreams I was just having.. the first one involved Monika and I spontaneously wanting to go get our tattoos done so we went to this random place.  She went into a room to get her’s done as soon as we got there, but I wanted my first tattoo to be with my mumsy so they set me in this strange room with artwork covering everywhere from the walls to the ceiling to the floors.  Soon enough though the floor started moving and I realized that I was on a bus, some sort of scary ride, covered by the artwork.  The bus started moving crazy fast and I was all by myself. Then somehow I got elevated to the roof of the bus where some cute boy took my hands and looked directly in my eyes as he pulled me off of my feet, so he was just swinging me around in the open air as we moved 100 mph on top of a bus.  He swung me up, over, and around his head in loops and it was the best I had ever felt.  Suddenly we weren’t alone and people were in other buildings watching us, somebody took a video of it happening and posted it on Facebook and it got exactly 40 likes.  Then they told me it was time.  I went into this small room and an older lady in a labcoat was waiting for me to do my tattoo.. she was very nice but I told her I had to look up the quote I wanted [for my tattoo] on my phone just to be completely sure I got the words right.  However, Google was acting up and I could not find the quote online.  Next thing you know it’s 2:30 PM the next day and my mom arrived sometime in between all of this but I suddenly realized I was missing work that started at 1:30 PM and wanted to call out but it was too late so decided to just leave.  My mom laughed about how that lady must be pissed cus she was waiting to start my tattoo all night.  We left, I woke up.  I fell back asleep and woke up a few more times, as usual, but I forgot the other dreams.. this was the only important one, I suppose.

I guess I’m documenting this because how I felt being swung around by my arms with my feet cutting the air as we traveled on a fast-moving bus, that’s probably the freest I could ever feel and I loved everything in that moment, even if it was just a dream.  If you cannot feel it, words must not be able to do this dream justice.  Just know that even though I was not awake, I felt everything and I am so upset that this wasn’t all real.