The pleasure I’ve gotten after reminding myself to appreciate the art of conversation, making the best out of any situation.  Who has time for tedious small talk or people or things we don’t like about our day, just fillers, when we could be talking about ideas, or humoring each other at the very least.  Time is what you make it, and I want even the time that is wasted, those little hours you don’t really remember much of because nothing significant was supposed to happen, well I still want even those little bits that will  be forgotten to be spent enjoyed for the simple lust for enjoyment.

I’ve made so many realizations.  At least 3 or 12 just this weekend, I swear.  Suddenly, everything is so clear to me.. which only makes things harder to figure out.  Does that make sense to anyone at all?  Anyway.  I will be 18 years of age on Saturday, the day after prom.  It’s funny that we’re all growing up, finally.  (Some more than others.  Need that be said?)  I’m looking at my past year, going through these tumblr posts and my Facebook pictures, and it’s like everything is happening for the first time again because I didn’t even remember half of these relationships and events and feelings even HAPPENED.  It’s like anything from a week ago or older is a distant memory, if not merely a figment of my imagination.  The people I hung out with, my job, the course of my very future.. all of it has changed, within just this past month.  My senior year has gone by so quickly and with it almost being over, I’m just so afraid to blink in case I miss it all.

Then I realized how I probably feel that way for a lot of people without noticing it.  They’re just so tedious and I could mute them for a week or so and I wouldn’t miss a single thing, nothing meaningful or interesting would come out of their mouths.  I then ALSO hoped that I’d never be so terribly boring that somebody would feel that way about me.

Still not on my level of attraction to James Franco, or even Jim Sturgess, but damn.

It finally occured to me today as I passed your old house that I have been free from all your binds, ever since the night you told me I didn’t matter to you anymore. I didn’t look for your car as I may have done when the wounds were still anew, no actions like these have come to mind at all in these past few months. Most people continue on with some hurt left behind, letting those feelings escape in time, but I now realize that I healed without paying any mind to it.

All that you’ve consumed in me.. all the anger and the promises, all the memories of the 3 years we were together, good and bad (more of the latter, however), have been drained out of me.  Now, there is nothing.  I feel nothing.  Despite the few thrills that come and go, I now realize that I don’t mind if that spot is filled again.  This whole time I believed that I didn’t want a repeat of what I’ve gone through, another long span of letting somebody in only to dissapoint.  Now I see that I wouldn’t mind somebody filling your spot on my bed, holding my hand while we drive, smiling over nothing.

The things I have now, I am so content with. I’ve never been so happy, so free. My feelings are genuine, and I am so sure of the person I am becoming.  I was never childish (though you may say otherwise), but I now see that I could not fully grow and thrive without letting go of you.  This is just a wake up call that there is no baggage upon me, and that if somebody came along that was worth it, I won’t push it away like I have been. I thought I was being mature, waiting before I let my heart be reserved again, but I have shed my old skin; I am ready. So this is what it feels like to grow up, this is what it feels like to be in control of my own life.