Right now, nothing really phases me or makes me alarmed.
It’s kinda strange, but you’ll understand if you’ve felt the way I do: you miss the emotions, something striking you enough to provoke a feeling. Because when nothing really makes you feel a sorta way but here and there, you really begin to wonder about your unaffectedness.
The pleasure I’ve gotten after reminding myself to appreciate the art of conversation, making the best out of any situation. Who has time for tedious small talk or people or things we don’t like about our day, just fillers, when we could be talking about ideas, or humoring each other at the very least. Time is what you make it, and I want even the time that is wasted, those little hours you don’t really remember much of because nothing significant was supposed to happen, well I still want even those little bits that will be forgotten to be spent enjoyed for the simple lust for enjoyment.
Unless you’re one of the so few important to me that our very relationship depends on something to fix, I just try to avoid it all. The changes, the hookups, the strange things that were said but we wish we could forget, I can’t help but try to distance myself from the things that need to be talked out. I don’t like to put myself in those situations, because if you’re looking for my honest thoughts, I will most likely hurt you by telling you them. It’s not something I like about myself, but it pains me to go by any other way.
I build up relationships, some stable, some faulty. Though I continue on with the faulty ones, it’s the stable ones that I stand by as the others come and go. So why ruin this? Why would you try to push something on me that isn’t real?
I am just so angry. Angry that you try to ruin the pure thing we have. I understand that it is human nature to act on your feelings, but at the selfish expense of ruining one of the few friendships I thought was platonic? Shitty.
After being put back into the “single” realm, I was so shocked to see how most guys use girls for one thing. Or, rather, think of one thing, seeing only in black and white. It’s rare that you can enjoy someone’s company just because, gender not a factor, and that you can have fun without needing any promises or feelings. So here I am, thinking that can happen, never seeing feelings. And then you do this. This is the same situation I’ve been put in before, and I’ve grown wary. No matter how much I think two people can be on the same page, even if there are absolutely no feelings on my end and I’ve given no reason for the other person to think otherwise, it looks like I cannot become close with somebody and think they understand me without them trying to get more out of this. It’s selfish.
It’s obvious that I’m on a different route, relationship-wise. What did you expect? Would I just magically change what I’ve done, would I forget all I’ve known? I know I have a good imagination, but I just can’t create something in my heart that isn’t real. It was foolish of you to ever think that. It’s obvious that I’m not shy. If I wanted you in that way, I would have expressed that by now.
Instead of dealing with feelings that I already know the outcome of, I ignore. I’ve been doing that for a while now; it’s become a pattern. This is exactly why I’d never try to complicate us with a relationship: you are somebody I’d never want to hurt, but that’s all I can do in order to avoid these things. And now, because of your actions, I’m going to have to do it anyway.
I never thought that two people having fun with eachother had strings attached that must make it into something else entirely. Things are so much easier in my head, but people try to complicate the hell outta things.
My first mistake is that I love everything too much, and my second is that I’ll fight for it all. Everybody gives up so easilly, and maybe that’s the easier way to go. I need to pick and choose my battles, the ones worth it, because this constant fight is telling me that I’m obviously working too hard.
I really don’t understand how I feel one thing one minute and then completely different the next. I was joking around about having bipolar disorder, but it’s actually quite the possibility, it seems. Everything is wrong with me, in some strange way. Or maybe I’m just a major hypochondriac. Somatoform disorder, perhaps? Anyway. Things went from annoying to horrible to feeling like an idiot to not even caring because I’m so in love. I don’t even know what I’m doing with myself anymore, much less who I am at the moment.
