It’s so interesting to see how badly everyone treats each other.  I could never have the conscience to do half of the things I see my friends do, yet it’s scary how willingly they’d do it to me.  It hurts me so badly to see my friends upset, and I wonder how unfair it is for me to care so much about some people when they don’t exactly deserve it.  That compassionate gene, where your loved ones’ pain is your own?  

I guess it’s a good thing I can turn that feeling on and off.

I need to prioritize.  I need to worry about myself more.  I need to stop solving everyone’s problems, no matter how much they tell me they need it, and focus on bettering myself a little more.  I fucking deserve it, and nobody can say otherwise because NOBODY knows the extent to which I do things for everyone else on a daily basis.  This is me basically recognizing myself, because everyone deserves that every once in a while; it’s okay to know your own worth sometimes.

Tonight, Caroline and I wanted to get out of the building, we wanted to make the most out of having no classes tomorrow for President’s Day.  So there we were, smoking cigarettes on that warm spot of the vents, and we started talking about how we both felt the necessity for change, constantly.

It’s made me realize the obvious, something anyone who knows me sees.. I never like to stay in the same place for too long.  I get restless and am constantly seeking change.  To do my hair differently, to buy a new dress… it’s always something to preoccupy myself.  But from what?  Why am I constantly trying to keep myself busy?  I’m just distracting myself from these inevitable feelings, these things I keep trying to brush off and say “I’m stronger than that.”

I’m so fucking stubborn.  Like. SO. FUCKING. STUBBORN, man.  Rather than speak up for how I feel, like a coward I’d rather keep my eyes on the floor and just continue to do my own thing.  Okay, I’m not sure if you want me, but instead of getting the answer and potentially being heartbroken, I’ll just crawl into this cave that is New York where I don’t have to face you.  If I don’t know what you’re doing, I’m sure as hell not going to be the first to contact you, so you can know, “I miss you, I need you.”  I’ve made myself quite happy in this routine, and I don’t feel like venturing away from it now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m completely happy!  Nothing would I do differently because this whole need for instant gratification has found me into so many adventures in this city.  I’m just saying, I know that all of it is just one big distraction, keeping me at bay from my real problems.

Side note - I’ve made close friends here that I sort of like more than my friends at home.  They’re real friends, they care.  I mean, if they didn’t, they’d have no obligation to me.  People at home are full of obligations and their feelings for things are always lukewarm and never straightforward.  God, if only I could find a better distraction in this town than the one that’s currently irking me.

I used to really want to be part of this one crowd of kids.  They were all tight knit and I thought how fun it’d be over their houses all the time, take all those Facebook pictures, camp out, blah blah idealisms.  It’s so ironic that I’m the one they hit up now but most of the time I’m busy with my own group of friends I’ve made, and that I’m so comfortable in my own skin that I’ev learned that most of them were never really comfortable in theirs.  Here I was expecting they had it all figured out, when they were just as much of a mess as I was.  All that glitters is not gold, as they say.