It’s so interesting to see how badly everyone treats each other.  I could never have the conscience to do half of the things I see my friends do, yet it’s scary how willingly they’d do it to me.  It hurts me so badly to see my friends upset, and I wonder how unfair it is for me to care so much about some people when they don’t exactly deserve it.  That compassionate gene, where your loved ones’ pain is your own?  

I guess it’s a good thing I can turn that feeling on and off.

I need to prioritize.  I need to worry about myself more.  I need to stop solving everyone’s problems, no matter how much they tell me they need it, and focus on bettering myself a little more.  I fucking deserve it, and nobody can say otherwise because NOBODY knows the extent to which I do things for everyone else on a daily basis.  This is me basically recognizing myself, because everyone deserves that every once in a while; it’s okay to know your own worth sometimes.

Tonight, Caroline and I wanted to get out of the building, we wanted to make the most out of having no classes tomorrow for President’s Day.  So there we were, smoking cigarettes on that warm spot of the vents, and we started talking about how we both felt the necessity for change, constantly.

It’s made me realize the obvious, something anyone who knows me sees.. I never like to stay in the same place for too long.  I get restless and am constantly seeking change.  To do my hair differently, to buy a new dress… it’s always something to preoccupy myself.  But from what?  Why am I constantly trying to keep myself busy?  I’m just distracting myself from these inevitable feelings, these things I keep trying to brush off and say “I’m stronger than that.”

I’m so fucking stubborn.  Like. SO. FUCKING. STUBBORN, man.  Rather than speak up for how I feel, like a coward I’d rather keep my eyes on the floor and just continue to do my own thing.  Okay, I’m not sure if you want me, but instead of getting the answer and potentially being heartbroken, I’ll just crawl into this cave that is New York where I don’t have to face you.  If I don’t know what you’re doing, I’m sure as hell not going to be the first to contact you, so you can know, “I miss you, I need you.”  I’ve made myself quite happy in this routine, and I don’t feel like venturing away from it now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m completely happy!  Nothing would I do differently because this whole need for instant gratification has found me into so many adventures in this city.  I’m just saying, I know that all of it is just one big distraction, keeping me at bay from my real problems.

Side note - I’ve made close friends here that I sort of like more than my friends at home.  They’re real friends, they care.  I mean, if they didn’t, they’d have no obligation to me.  People at home are full of obligations and their feelings for things are always lukewarm and never straightforward.  God, if only I could find a better distraction in this town than the one that’s currently irking me.

At least I’m happy either way.  Meaning, I’m perfectly content with my life and I wouldn’t trade any of what I’m doing right now for anyone else’s experiences.

It’s just I wish so much time of mine wasn’t spent on thinking about a significant other.  That enough bothers me like nothing else, the fact that one person can affect me so damn much.  I sit here, appalled at the world whenever I’m offered anything less than the best, yet here I am feeding all of my desires and wishes into someone who does (I think?) or does not feel the same way.  (Does/does not.. What am I even doing with my life?!)  I mean, why should I let someone monopolize so much of my time unless I can get that same satisfaction?

I’m giving my friend relationship advice (Lord knows I’ve been in enough of those to hand out advice like cupcakes .. insert some other simile here if necessary), and though I’m preaching about self-happiness, I’m still greedy and want more out of things.

Is that what a relationship is, greed?  Think about it.  ”I want this boy/girl.  I want them to be with me and only me.  I want them to buy me nice things, especially on holidays or the ridiculous excuse for presents that is an anniversary (at this point I’m just being cynical.. I KNOW how important anniversaries can be, ya’ll).” The list goes on.  Yes, I understand that love and relationships are not so two-dimensional, and I cannot cast everyone into this category, but it is the vast majority.. and the vast majority are lucky bastards that are in relationships, but taking advantage of them with this greed.  Some don’t even know how lucky they are, do they.

Then there are those people use relationships to try to find happiness they should already have within themselves.  They look at a boyfriend or girlfriend as a conceptual aid, as if placing a title on two human beings makes for instant gratification or miraculously just gives them a new piece of mind.  Er, well I guess it sort of can, in a way, give you a new piece of mind, but it’s the fact that those people are searching for it! As if relationships will solve all your problems! Well, maybe yes, if you heap all your problems on your significant other.  But you should be getting my point.  Take a few times to read over all of this again if you don’t. 

What I think I’m trying to say is that in my experience, I realize people can’t go looking for a relationship to be like a medication.  If you throw yourself in too hard without realizing what you’re doing, you could walk out of it with the same head on your shoulders, which may or may not be a good thing, depending the type of virtuous person you are and how much self-growth you had done before the relationship.  Don’t go looking for change, because in that mistake, you won’t find any.  You’ll be the same, selfish person who was greedy and just wanted something to call their own.

I have no idea what I’m rambling about.

Why are those words so hard to say to someone, much less admit? 

Sometimes I hate how much my pride gets in the way.